A bond between parent and child are very much different from mother to father. The bond between a child and its mother can happen as early as conception and the bond becomes stronger through pregnancy. For nine months the unborn child and mother share a unique relationship in which cannot begin to be fathomed by the mother counterpart, the father. As the mother carries the child the mother can feel how real the child is growing inside her. A mother can already start to see the child’s face, personality, what kind of person it will grow up to be. A father has always and will always struggle with bonding during the pregnancy and fathers are forced to wait until the child is born before the feeling of being a “father” becomes real and any real bonds could begin to forged.
A family with a mother, a father, and five siblings were soon to be graced with a new addition. This family had next to nothing but they lacked in finances and nice things they made up 10 fold in their closeness and love for each other. Having moved state side against the wish of the mother’s family they were met with struggles to feed, cloth, and shelter themselves. No matter how hard the struggle they all kept their spirits high and with a little help they survived and prospered.
The little help mentioned was from God. In their darkest times and against all protests and odds they always had his support. The followed and worshiped the lord in everything they did. Their commitment never wavered and even when they had nothing they still gave what they could and trusted in the faith of their savior to get them through. Their loyalty to God was rewarded from time to time and it was as if God himself took a special interest in this family.
God blessed the family with the gift of fertility; an already large family of five, soon to be six, children would all grow up and expand their new families sometimes adding as much as four and five children of their own. God looked over the men in this family as they shipped off to Europe and back to the homeland to fight and defend in the second great war; all coming back safe and sound. He blessed all of this family with the appreciate and ear for song and music; in which they used to help spread the word of god and to show their thanks and appreciation. The lord loves music, so much so that as this family would receive their new addition, God would bless them with one more gift and will give this newborn an amazing ability for music.
Fast forward and where my tale will begin, that new born with the God given talent would one day become a colleague and my best friend and would know my darkest secret. Celebrating the end of the first semester of the school year we sat and talked over drinks in a local pub. We would exchange stories of the first semester, papers that we graded, the cute blond that sat in the front row of each of our classes. As the night stretched on out talks would evolve into philosophy, theory and debate. After getting into a fight and arguing over difference of opinion this friend of mine would stare out the window across the street and become entranced by the different colored lights that decorated the homes and business and a tear rolled down his cheek as he had heard nearby carolers.
Our talk quickly turned to me just listening as for the many years I’ve known him he rarely spoke about his past or even his family. I was aware of current wife and kids but never had we talked about our pasts. He started at the beginning speaking of his childhood as a music prodigy and how in the beginning he loved the music and tells stories and images of the smile on his mother’s face when he played. On top of the God given talent he was fairly smart too and he explained how he just breezed through school. What seemed like a perfect childhood and start to his life he began to open up about the darkness, the demons, the stress to live up to the limitless potential he had with his gift. He told me about outside of his mother’s smile he had a wasted youth.
The pressure grew on him as he would start to feel that he was asked to live up to a something, to be someone he didn’t know how to be. With school flying by he was fortunate enough to have a free ride with scholarships to a dozen schools. Feeling the pressure and hating who he was asked to be I had chosen a school as far away as he could from family and what he had hoped would be far enough from God, he moved to Alaska. There and away from the demands to achieve greatness he was able to get lost on the slow and abandon everything he knew. He indulged in his new freedoms as he discovered things that he should have already known beer, pot, and women. He tells countless stories of parties and women, drunken stupors and blackouts, cut classes and something he never experienced before…failure.
He never felt more alive and freer as when he was failing. He was brilliant and knew better but he didn’t care. He would eventually finish school, but barely and the rest of his life was ahead of him. Feeling free and almost childlike he swore that he would do things on his terms and that he would live up to no one’s potential than the one he set for himself. Basking in failure he would spend the next chunk of his life doing what he wanted with little to know regard to his life and those around him. He would join the military but that was short lived when expectations were set and feeling the pressure as he had as child sabotaged what was to be a promising career in the military. He found love but on several occasions. With each love and the gift that god had given his family of fertility he would bear children; but what bigger pressure than that of supporting a family.
He ran from anything that threatened to tie him down or would ask anything form him. He would bear several children and would walk away from all of them. It would only be with his current wife that he would stay and help raise a family. I couldn’t help but feel that although he was with a wife with three children that he still felt the pressure. He would admit a lot of things that night but why he stayed, he never said. I do not doubt that he loved all of his kids but having been a failure for so long and afraid to commit and grow up he just didn’t know how to love someone.
He discussed a lot of regret in his life and dwelled on all the disappointment that he knows he put on his family. He talks about how he wants to be a better person but that it scared him to no end and that he didn’t know how too. He would over the years try to amend some of his past and reconnect with his greatest failure… his kids. He never watched most of them grow up as he neglected any parental responsibility and with his current family he would constantly work to avoid being there to raise them. But when he got the nerve to try, he one by one reached out to his kids to try and be a father. He hoped that once they were grown up that they would have understanding and forgiveness in their heart and character to let him back in.
Children are simple but very complex people. Children remember everything but a child without a father will always yearn for a father and any glimpse of them getting that at any age they submit and welcome the one thing that voided their life and are willing to fill the holes of a lost childhood. This would prove true to almost all of his kids as one by one they embraced that he was trying and that he wanted to undo the wrongs of his past. Slowly he found validation as a father and began to realize that the pressures weren’t so bad. But as I said that was the case with most his children, there was one that he couldn’t reach.
As the night had turned to day we sat together the whole night. I could tell that he was fighting back tears as his face and eyes were swollen but dry. He noticed the time and he thought that it would be best to head home to the wife. As we gathered out things he says thank you, at which time I respond with a gentle nod and smile. Life getting too real he starts with a few jokes and comments to liven up the situation and to end the nights talk on a high note. As he reaches for the door to leave the little pub the cold winter air hit his face. But instead of a chill he began sweating. His moment slows until he is a few feet outside the door and he drops to his knees. I looked at him as he falls to his back, panic and fear fills his eyes. He gulches his chest as he stares at me from the ground, gasping for air he whispers for help. Then just before his eyes closed there was a look of confusion as he stared at me’ friends for years and the look he gave was as if I was a stranger.
I would spend the next several hours sitting in a chair thinking back and remembering the stories he just heard. Thinking about the journey his friend had taken to reconnect with his kids, to build and get back the family that he once abandoned. I couldn’t stop thinking about how he was able to achieve all he had with this kids, but worried that he wasn’t able to reach the one child that he named at himself. Why wasn’t he able to reconnect with that one son? Started to worry that through everything he still fails; what if I fail in my quest to get my family back? As I pondered that thought for a while I noticed movement. “Welcome back to the living,” I greeted as I walk over to the hospital bed and held the hand of my friend. Tired and weak he could barely talk. I tell him to sleep. Knowing he was going to be ok and waiting until he was asleep I left, I needed answers.
God blessed the family with the gift of fertility; an already large family of five, soon to be six, children would all grow up and expand their new families sometimes adding as much as four and five children of their own. God looked over the men in this family as they shipped off to Europe and back to the homeland to fight and defend in the second great war; all coming back safe and sound. He blessed all of this family with the appreciate and ear for song and music; in which they used to help spread the word of god and to show their thanks and appreciation. The lord loves music, so much so that as this family would receive their new addition, God would bless them with one more gift and will give this newborn an amazing ability for music.
Fast forward and where my tale will begin, that new born with the God given talent would one day become a colleague and my best friend and would know my darkest secret. Celebrating the end of the first semester of the school year we sat and talked over drinks in a local pub. We would exchange stories of the first semester, papers that we graded, the cute blond that sat in the front row of each of our classes. As the night stretched on out talks would evolve into philosophy, theory and debate. After getting into a fight and arguing over difference of opinion this friend of mine would stare out the window across the street and become entranced by the different colored lights that decorated the homes and business and a tear rolled down his cheek as he had heard nearby carolers.
Our talk quickly turned to me just listening as for the many years I’ve known him he rarely spoke about his past or even his family. I was aware of current wife and kids but never had we talked about our pasts. He started at the beginning speaking of his childhood as a music prodigy and how in the beginning he loved the music and tells stories and images of the smile on his mother’s face when he played. On top of the God given talent he was fairly smart too and he explained how he just breezed through school. What seemed like a perfect childhood and start to his life he began to open up about the darkness, the demons, the stress to live up to the limitless potential he had with his gift. He told me about outside of his mother’s smile he had a wasted youth.
The pressure grew on him as he would start to feel that he was asked to live up to a something, to be someone he didn’t know how to be. With school flying by he was fortunate enough to have a free ride with scholarships to a dozen schools. Feeling the pressure and hating who he was asked to be I had chosen a school as far away as he could from family and what he had hoped would be far enough from God, he moved to Alaska. There and away from the demands to achieve greatness he was able to get lost on the slow and abandon everything he knew. He indulged in his new freedoms as he discovered things that he should have already known beer, pot, and women. He tells countless stories of parties and women, drunken stupors and blackouts, cut classes and something he never experienced before…failure.
He never felt more alive and freer as when he was failing. He was brilliant and knew better but he didn’t care. He would eventually finish school, but barely and the rest of his life was ahead of him. Feeling free and almost childlike he swore that he would do things on his terms and that he would live up to no one’s potential than the one he set for himself. Basking in failure he would spend the next chunk of his life doing what he wanted with little to know regard to his life and those around him. He would join the military but that was short lived when expectations were set and feeling the pressure as he had as child sabotaged what was to be a promising career in the military. He found love but on several occasions. With each love and the gift that god had given his family of fertility he would bear children; but what bigger pressure than that of supporting a family.
He ran from anything that threatened to tie him down or would ask anything form him. He would bear several children and would walk away from all of them. It would only be with his current wife that he would stay and help raise a family. I couldn’t help but feel that although he was with a wife with three children that he still felt the pressure. He would admit a lot of things that night but why he stayed, he never said. I do not doubt that he loved all of his kids but having been a failure for so long and afraid to commit and grow up he just didn’t know how to love someone.
He discussed a lot of regret in his life and dwelled on all the disappointment that he knows he put on his family. He talks about how he wants to be a better person but that it scared him to no end and that he didn’t know how too. He would over the years try to amend some of his past and reconnect with his greatest failure… his kids. He never watched most of them grow up as he neglected any parental responsibility and with his current family he would constantly work to avoid being there to raise them. But when he got the nerve to try, he one by one reached out to his kids to try and be a father. He hoped that once they were grown up that they would have understanding and forgiveness in their heart and character to let him back in.
Children are simple but very complex people. Children remember everything but a child without a father will always yearn for a father and any glimpse of them getting that at any age they submit and welcome the one thing that voided their life and are willing to fill the holes of a lost childhood. This would prove true to almost all of his kids as one by one they embraced that he was trying and that he wanted to undo the wrongs of his past. Slowly he found validation as a father and began to realize that the pressures weren’t so bad. But as I said that was the case with most his children, there was one that he couldn’t reach.
As the night had turned to day we sat together the whole night. I could tell that he was fighting back tears as his face and eyes were swollen but dry. He noticed the time and he thought that it would be best to head home to the wife. As we gathered out things he says thank you, at which time I respond with a gentle nod and smile. Life getting too real he starts with a few jokes and comments to liven up the situation and to end the nights talk on a high note. As he reaches for the door to leave the little pub the cold winter air hit his face. But instead of a chill he began sweating. His moment slows until he is a few feet outside the door and he drops to his knees. I looked at him as he falls to his back, panic and fear fills his eyes. He gulches his chest as he stares at me from the ground, gasping for air he whispers for help. Then just before his eyes closed there was a look of confusion as he stared at me’ friends for years and the look he gave was as if I was a stranger.
I would spend the next several hours sitting in a chair thinking back and remembering the stories he just heard. Thinking about the journey his friend had taken to reconnect with his kids, to build and get back the family that he once abandoned. I couldn’t stop thinking about how he was able to achieve all he had with this kids, but worried that he wasn’t able to reach the one child that he named at himself. Why wasn’t he able to reconnect with that one son? Started to worry that through everything he still fails; what if I fail in my quest to get my family back? As I pondered that thought for a while I noticed movement. “Welcome back to the living,” I greeted as I walk over to the hospital bed and held the hand of my friend. Tired and weak he could barely talk. I tell him to sleep. Knowing he was going to be ok and waiting until he was asleep I left, I needed answers.
I went out in search for his son, the one that he couldn’t reconnect with. As I found him a few miles away my first though was how close they are to each other, distance wise; more confusion. When I arrived I stayed phased out and just watched. I got there just as he received the call that his father was in the hospital from a heart attack. He thanked his sister for the update and ended the call a little fast. Burt more shocking was what he did next; he continued to get ready, made another call to friends and said that he was on his way to pick her up for work. Why was he not going to the hospital? This didn’t make sense to me. In my current line of work I have seen hundreds of reactions but normally all is forgiven for a brief moment and normally the loved ones rush to the side of their family. I needed to understand, so I looked into his past and soul.
When I looked deeper inside him I noticed nothing unusual. There were memories of car trips to visit the grandparents, bowling together, casino, dinners together. I don’t understand. Then I notice something, something that filled his head, it was a memory as a kid. I watched as he replayed the memory in is head as he drove to get a friend. The man was just a boy, maybe nine or ten, but the boy was all smiles and laughter as he was running home, I assumed from school. He gets home and rushes to get a plastic bag and fills it with clothes. The phone rings, it’s a friend, “No, I can’t do anything this weekend. Yeah, going to dad’s this weekend.” The boy runs to the window and stares out it looking and listening. Every car that drove by his heart would jump. This went on for hours until the sunset. He sat there for hours never giving up.
As I look deeper and deeper into him I see no resentment or hatred. I see happiness for the times that they did have together and a bond that seems different than the other kids. There is a hint of disappointment when it comes to his son, my friend’s grandson, in that they have only met but a handful of times and he’s three. But still there is forgiveness and understanding. He has never said anything or thought to confront his father about this. He just let it be and would never say a work about how he felt waiting for his father to arrive. I’m confused, kids really are complex.
I returned to the bedside of my friend and sat with him as he rested. I phased out as I watched some of his family come and see him. All day there were visitors bringing him gifts and cards, and best wishes that he recover quickly. For a man that has done so much wrong to his family and considered himself a failure he sure did have a lot of people that loved him. I sat with him all day and into the night. He tossed and turned for hours, eventually he wakes up. He looked at me and with the same confused, his head searched for answers. As I head he was a brilliant man and finally after a minute or so he figured it out and asks, “Why hasn’t anyone noticed you sitting there all day? And why do you have a wing?”
As I look deeper and deeper into him I see no resentment or hatred. I see happiness for the times that they did have together and a bond that seems different than the other kids. There is a hint of disappointment when it comes to his son, my friend’s grandson, in that they have only met but a handful of times and he’s three. But still there is forgiveness and understanding. He has never said anything or thought to confront his father about this. He just let it be and would never say a work about how he felt waiting for his father to arrive. I’m confused, kids really are complex.
I returned to the bedside of my friend and sat with him as he rested. I phased out as I watched some of his family come and see him. All day there were visitors bringing him gifts and cards, and best wishes that he recover quickly. For a man that has done so much wrong to his family and considered himself a failure he sure did have a lot of people that loved him. I sat with him all day and into the night. He tossed and turned for hours, eventually he wakes up. He looked at me and with the same confused, his head searched for answers. As I head he was a brilliant man and finally after a minute or so he figured it out and asks, “Why hasn’t anyone noticed you sitting there all day? And why do you have a wing?”
Shocked and more confused that he was almost started to panic, thinking of anything that could sound feasible, anything to answer his question. “Are you my guardian angel or something,” he said with some sarcasm. I looked at him and we share a look that was quickly interrupted with laughter. I still don’t know all the details or have all the reasons to why he was able to see me phases out or my wing, really the only thing we came up with was that it had to do something with him dying or maybe he did die for a moment. We didn’t get to think about it too much as he was intrigued and wanted answers. As he had the night before and kept me enthralled in deep conversation and stroll down memory lane, I had returned the favor and told him everything. I had told him of what past I can remember, the deal with the devil that I had made, and about the lives that I have taken.
As the sun began to rise the next morning, light fought through the clouds outside and into the window. Almost speechless my friend laid there trying to process everything that I had told him. He couldn’t help but see the similarities in my quest and the quest that he had to get his families back. Then he looked at me, searching for the right words or maybe the courage to say the words that he had been thinking for some time now. “I’m not going to make it out of here,” he said as he watches the clouds start to strangle what little light that shined through. Confused, the doctors said that he would be fine and out in a few days. He continued, “I’m tired, I’m tired of everything and just want to sleep. I want to help you.” I tried to stop him, stop him from continuing the thought but he snapped at me, “PLEASE LISTEN TO ME,” shocked at the first time I had even heard that tone I stop. His words become a whisper, “I wasted a gift from God and wasted this life. I have done nothing but run for as long as I can remember. I have been a constant disappointment and have helped no one in my life. Get me a pen and paper, I want to help you.”
I tried to talk him out of it but there was no changing his mind. He was surprisingly strong about this, bordering on stubborn, and noticed that it took all he had not to become emotional about it. I sat there quietly, as I watched him write I began to struggle with the reality of everything, how is it I can let him do this, there is so much life left and he is loved. He finishes writing, folds it and hands it to me. “I just want to see all my family one more time,” pauses for a moment, take a deep breath, “and know that my son, the one you visited loves me and forgives me… that he will be a better father than I was.” Trying to keep myself together I resist saying what I had found out when I visited his son. I read the paper and it was done. I sat with him and held his hand as his eyes closed as if to sleep. Evident by the lack of response from all the noise from the machines he was hooked up too and the hustle and bustle of nurses and doctors that ran in and out in a panic.
Having sat with my friend until he was stable and surviving on machines alone I never let go of his hand as I stayed phased out watching all of his family return. This time they would not return with wishes of speedy recovery or getting well soon. This time they returned to say their good-byes. For two days I watched him hold on as more and more family filled his room and the waiting room right outside, some flying in from all over the country. It was as if everyone in his family had come to see him, but noticed that someone still hasn’t arrived.
As the second day of his coma ended and the sun starts to rise on the third day, in the distance just a few miles away is a man driving, driving with a mission, it was his son. On the seat next time him his phone rings and vibrates like crazy. Flooded with call from his mom and sister he already knew what they wanted. His phone sits lit up, on its screen a text message could be read from mom that reads, “I don’t know where you are, but you need to come see your dad. The doctors don’t give him much time. Please call, love you.” Driving more as fast as he can he swerves in and out of traffic, a destination that he needs to get too. Almost hitting an old lady he searches for a parking space, parks all crocked, and run to the door. He knocks.
My friends head is on its side as if too look out the window. The clouds outside begin to dissipate as the sun rises. For the first time in days the room fills with light, with warmth. I can’t help but think that he been looking out the window for two days awaiting the last arrival before his journey ends.
Again there is a knock, the son anxious to see his face, to run up and hug him. His heart races waiting for the door to open.
I whispered to my friend, “I look forward to continuing our talks when I see you at the park.” I noticed a tear fall from his face, still looking out the window as the sun covers his face, “I’m sorry.”
As the door opened he was created by a tiny voice, “PAPA, What are you doing here?” A son who hasn’t seen his father in two years smiles as he grabs his little man and throws him up in the air and catches him with the biggest hug, “I missed you and wanted to see you, is that ok with you,” as he smiled. “You are silly papa. But this is a good surprise.” The three year old hugs his mother and tells her that papa was there and that they are going for a walk. As the little man run back to his dad, a gentle breeze moves through them and fills his heart with a happy pain, and a feeling it’s over. His eye’s swell up and his eyes begin to water, “what’s wrong papa.” He reaches for his son and hugs him tight, “I will always be here for you. And nothing is wrong, just looks like it’s going to rain.”
“It’s not going to rain, its sunny out. Silly papa.”